Overwhelmed by stuff!!

It's been a month since I last posted. I suppose I'm not the best blogger in the world. Actually, I'm quite certain this is the case. My other blog hasn't been updated since the beginning of baseball season last year with my picks for the season. For the record, I got 2 out of 8 teams correct for the Playoffs. At least I'm not only terribly in blogging, I'm also terrible at picking teams in the MLB Playoffs before the season starts.

I can live with those failures.

A lot has happened in the last month, though. I got to feel Xavier move! That was certainly an exciting moment for me. Holly had been able to feel him all the time, and I'd sit down to try and get discouraged. Now, all things considered, I'm still not positive it was him moving or her stomach just gurgling at me, but I'll take it either way, I guess. Heh.

The freshest memory and bloggable experience for me happened yesterday. Holly and I were in Columbus for my grandmother's 80th birthday celebration and we decided to detour over to Babies R Us to register for the upcoming Baby Showers. We had registered for our wedding about 18 months before and that was a piece of cake. I mean, seriously, it really can't be any easier to register for your wedding because it's all stuff you understand completely. "We will need sheets for our bed."

I thought registering for the baby was similar.

I was completely wrong.

I thought a stroller was a stroller. Wrong.

I thought a car seat was a car seat. Wrong.

I thought a bottle was a bottle. Wrong.

We were going through the store, scanning items to put on our registry and I was just completely overwhelmed.

I'm convinced that I have no idea what I'm getting into. I mean, I literally have no idea what it takes to be the father of an infant. I shared these thoughts with our Sunday School class this morning and the other dads just laughed at me. I said I was looking for some support. They reminded me that they laugh because they understand exactly where I am right now.

As we were finishing up at the store, one word kept coming to mind. Overwhelmed. We were both completely overwhelmed with everything.

I don't mean for this blog to be completely negative, I really don't. In fact so far this experience has been quite positive. I am enjoying this time of preparation, this time of anxious expectation. It's all really fun for me and it's becoming more and more real every day. He's going to be here so soon, and I absolutely cannot wait to hold my son in my arms.

If you don't mind me adding something to the end of this post, I'd really appreciate some comments/feedback on here. I'm not writing this post to win any medals or trophies, and I don't imagine that there will come a day when someone asks me to compress my thoughts on fatherhood into a book. The reason I write is to unwind and think about things in a different format, but it sure is easier to write when I know people are reading.

Thanks for reading. =)

A letter to my son

Dear (We're not sure yet) Edward Connell,

It's almost 1 am, Christmas morning, 2011. We just found out last night that you are my son. My first born. There are no words for me to describe how excited I am. Things have been rough lately, financially. Mom and I just don't have much money. We decided that we weren't going to buy presents (we're both not good at the follow-through on that, we've each bought presents for each other through money we've saved up diligently). But here's the truth, mom's holding the best present I've ever received. She's carrying you around, keeping you warm and safe until I get to finally meet you.

Buddy, I can't wait. I've never been so excited in my whole life. I've always loved the Christmas season, and I'll be honest, I always thought I understood the feelings of Advent. But, I didn't know anything. This is a completely new experience. The expectation and excitement are almost unbearable.

There are some things I want to tell you right now, though.

First off, life isn't always going to be easy. It's not easy being a man. God has given us incredible responsibilities. I don't have a legacy of training in that area, in fact, my training for manhood wasn't the greatest. Grandma Connell (Breitenbach) did everything she could, but women can't teach young boys how to become men. I promise you, I'm going to do my absolute best to teach you how to become a man, and more than that, I'm going to show you how to be a man of God. I'm going to love your mom more than anyone in this world, and I want you to go to bed knowing that there isn't a human being on earth that I love more. Trust me, this is important.

Second, it's okay to cry. In fact, I'm having trouble not crying as I write this, because I am just... so excited. Don't ever let someone tell you that men don't cry. They do, and they should.

Third, we're going to have so much fun. I am so excited to teach you about the pin-stripes. I hope you grow up to be a Yankees fan like me. We're going to go to baseball games, we're going to eat hot dogs and hope to catch foul balls (or home runs).

Fourth, I want you to know something. This is of the utmost importance. Han shot first. Don't let George Lucas tell you otherwise. Han is a pirate. He shot Greedo. That's okay, it doesn't make us like Han less.

Fifth, dude, it's okay to be a nerd. I struggled my whole life with not wanting to be a nerd, even though I liked the nerdiest things. It's alright. There's so much fun to be had while you're a nerd.

Six, there's an ongoing debate and I want you to understand the Connell position on this debate. There's no chance. Literally, no chance, that Superman would lose in a fight to Batman. The earlier you can grasp this truth, the better.

Seven, I could handle it if you like the Jedi more than the Sith. I promise, I could. But I really will not let you feel anything but negativity for the Gungans and Ewoks. Listen, they were mistakes. They shouldn't have been in the movies, seriously. There's no reason for them. We, the Connell family, do NOT like them.

Eight, it's alright to listen to Christmas music in August. Seriously, there's no reason not to celebrate Christ all year long. It's okay, don't let people tell you otherwise.

Nine, I need to pause here to tell you how important this is. I've given you a lot of information, but this is really important so hold on a second and listen up. There are a lot of things I can handle. You think Star Trek is better than Star Wars? Okay, I can live with that. You like the Reds and not the Yankees? That's fine. You want to watch Barney repeatedly? You got it. You can do a lot of things and I'll be alright, but there's on thing that I will not accept. Someday, you're going to be older, and you'll start thinking about college. It's an awesome time, people are sending you mail... you feel like a rock star. You'll get mail for a University in Ohio. It's a place called Cedarville. Listen, if you even consider going there, you'll be changing your name and finding a new place to live. We are Cougars, forever.

Ten, I realize, some of this is silly, that's who I am. You'll get used to it.

Eleven, I'm here for you. Son, I'm always here for you. I can write this now because I know it will be true when you can finally read it, I'm so proud of you.

You are my little man, my buddy, "my guy," and I just can't wait to meet you.

"You are my beloved son, in whom I am well-pleased." (Mt 3:17)

I love you so much,

Dad

A hodge-podge of thoughts

I get caught in the idea that my blog posts need to be really heavy or really thought-provoking. I’m not completely sure that this one is going to be either of those things.

Someone gave us a crib. Can I be honest, I didn’t realize how big those things were! I guess… I just thought of how little babies are, and therefore their beds should be really small as well. But man, that crib is really big.

This is all becoming more real for me. I see just how much room the crib is going to take up in the room we have for the baby, and my mind is instantly in sermon mode. Just the baby’s bed takes up THIS much space!? This is literally the first thing we have (aside from some clothes and smaller things that people have gotten us) and it takes up this much room.

This gets me wondering, am I really ready for this?

I’ve spent the past 4 days playing a video game. I’ve literally had a lot of ME-time in those past four days. Am I really ready to give up all that time?

Honestly… I’d give up Skyrim right now if it meant that I could hold my baby right now.

I honestly can’t figure out how men find out they’re going to be fathers and somehow don’t feel this way. You know that a little child (your child!) is going to be relying on you and mom for everything. How can you know that and still choose to not give that baby everything you have?

The crib takes up that amount of space in my house, and therefore my life. I can only imagine how much space the baby is going to take up in my life.

…

We’re entering into the advent season, which is unquestionably my favorite time of year (followed by the start of baseball season). This year it’s taking on a whole new meaning for me, because advent is all about the expectation of the Christ-child, the God-man, the Savior, Emmanuel coming down to us. And this year, as I expect the coming of the baby Jesus, I also have the distinct honor of expecting Baby Connell too! I’ve never been more excited!

…

Last piece of news, Holly thought she felt the baby move last night. I told her it was probably just indigestion. Which, coincidentally is what the doctor said it would feel like the first time the baby moved. Either way, the excitement continues. Holly should now expect my hands to be on her belly more; I want to feel the baby move too!!! Or at the very least, feel this incredible indigestion!

Change my life?

October 31, 2011

It’s been a month since I last wrote about our journey. It hasn’t been an incredibly eventful month. We told our church and made the major public announcement about Holly’s pregnancy on the ninth, which was also our one year anniversary. We celebrated our year by doing ministry (Could there be a better way to celebrate?).

We took a week long vacation to the Gatlinburg area and ate more food than any person ever needs to eat in a single week. Also, mountain roads plus pregnant nausea are a poor mix.

But, the big news came today. We had our first appointment with our doctor and we got to hear the baby’s heartbeat!

We had been on pins and needles waiting to know if there was any chance we were having twins. Apparently, I’ve learned through this process that every woman we know is a self-proclaimed expert in what size a pregnant belly should be, and they all seemed to think Holly might be growing more than just one Baby Connell in her belly. But, we heard the heartbeat today, and alas it was only one heart, and therefore only one baby.

A few people told me that hearing the heartbeat would change my life forever, and that nothing would ever be the same. They told me I’d cry and that the emotions would be heavy.

If I’m being honest, I didn’t feel any of that. I’m not sure that sounds changed my life. I’m not sure that nothing will ever be the same. I didn’t cry, and for me the emotions weren’t that heavy.

You see, I already processed all these things a few weeks ago. I’ve been weighing heavily my expectations and thinking about what all this means. My life already changed. Everything was already different.

It sure was awesome to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I’m more excited about everything today than I was yesterday.

All I know, though, is that I can’t wait for the next 29 (or so) weeks to be over so that I can finally hold the baby!