A letter to my son

Dear (We're not sure yet) Edward Connell,

It's almost 1 am, Christmas morning, 2011. We just found out last night that you are my son. My first born. There are no words for me to describe how excited I am. Things have been rough lately, financially. Mom and I just don't have much money. We decided that we weren't going to buy presents (we're both not good at the follow-through on that, we've each bought presents for each other through money we've saved up diligently). But here's the truth, mom's holding the best present I've ever received. She's carrying you around, keeping you warm and safe until I get to finally meet you.

Buddy, I can't wait. I've never been so excited in my whole life. I've always loved the Christmas season, and I'll be honest, I always thought I understood the feelings of Advent. But, I didn't know anything. This is a completely new experience. The expectation and excitement are almost unbearable.

There are some things I want to tell you right now, though.

First off, life isn't always going to be easy. It's not easy being a man. God has given us incredible responsibilities. I don't have a legacy of training in that area, in fact, my training for manhood wasn't the greatest. Grandma Connell (Breitenbach) did everything she could, but women can't teach young boys how to become men. I promise you, I'm going to do my absolute best to teach you how to become a man, and more than that, I'm going to show you how to be a man of God. I'm going to love your mom more than anyone in this world, and I want you to go to bed knowing that there isn't a human being on earth that I love more. Trust me, this is important.

Second, it's okay to cry. In fact, I'm having trouble not crying as I write this, because I am just... so excited. Don't ever let someone tell you that men don't cry. They do, and they should.

Third, we're going to have so much fun. I am so excited to teach you about the pin-stripes. I hope you grow up to be a Yankees fan like me. We're going to go to baseball games, we're going to eat hot dogs and hope to catch foul balls (or home runs).

Fourth, I want you to know something. This is of the utmost importance. Han shot first. Don't let George Lucas tell you otherwise. Han is a pirate. He shot Greedo. That's okay, it doesn't make us like Han less.

Fifth, dude, it's okay to be a nerd. I struggled my whole life with not wanting to be a nerd, even though I liked the nerdiest things. It's alright. There's so much fun to be had while you're a nerd.

Six, there's an ongoing debate and I want you to understand the Connell position on this debate. There's no chance. Literally, no chance, that Superman would lose in a fight to Batman. The earlier you can grasp this truth, the better.

Seven, I could handle it if you like the Jedi more than the Sith. I promise, I could. But I really will not let you feel anything but negativity for the Gungans and Ewoks. Listen, they were mistakes. They shouldn't have been in the movies, seriously. There's no reason for them. We, the Connell family, do NOT like them.

Eight, it's alright to listen to Christmas music in August. Seriously, there's no reason not to celebrate Christ all year long. It's okay, don't let people tell you otherwise.

Nine, I need to pause here to tell you how important this is. I've given you a lot of information, but this is really important so hold on a second and listen up. There are a lot of things I can handle. You think Star Trek is better than Star Wars? Okay, I can live with that. You like the Reds and not the Yankees? That's fine. You want to watch Barney repeatedly? You got it. You can do a lot of things and I'll be alright, but there's on thing that I will not accept. Someday, you're going to be older, and you'll start thinking about college. It's an awesome time, people are sending you mail... you feel like a rock star. You'll get mail for a University in Ohio. It's a place called Cedarville. Listen, if you even consider going there, you'll be changing your name and finding a new place to live. We are Cougars, forever.

Ten, I realize, some of this is silly, that's who I am. You'll get used to it.

Eleven, I'm here for you. Son, I'm always here for you. I can write this now because I know it will be true when you can finally read it, I'm so proud of you.

You are my little man, my buddy, "my guy," and I just can't wait to meet you.

"You are my beloved son, in whom I am well-pleased." (Mt 3:17)

I love you so much,

Dad

Big Announcement!

That's right, Baby Connell is a BOY!!!!

Now, I'd like to say something serious.

"Dear Unborn Connell Lad,

I'm truly sorry that your decency has been exposed and ruined by an overeager father. I sincerely promise that this will, under no circumstances, be the last time I embarrass you, though.

Love,
Dad"

Why I can't wait to be a dad...

I love playing tricks... I just love it, and soon, I'll have little children whose lives I can ruin by playing tricks on them, and that sure makes me excited!

Protector. What an incredible calling.

A week ago, Israel and I were at the gym. We always go at the unholy 6 o’clock hour. Every Tuesday I wonder why in the world we do it so early, but he seems to love going that early. So, we go.

This Tuesday started like any other Tuesday, I woke up before Holly, which only happens once during the weekdays. I got going and made my way for the gym after kissing Holly goodbye. While I was at the gym, we had just finished running, I got a text from Holly saying that she was having a headache and suggested that we ask her doctor about it the next day at our appointment.

I put my phone in a cubby and we started lifting. It was completely unremarkable until someone knocked at the door of the gym. That, in and of itself, makes for a completely different type of visit to the gym. Israel went to see who was at the door and it was my sister-in-law.

Anytime someone starts the conversation with “Don’t freak out,” your first inclination is to freak out.

“Holly was in an accident, but she’s okay.”

Panic. Absolute panic.

We made our way to where my pregnant wife was in some condition. I had no idea what I would find when I got there. Once I got there, I saw a firetruck, 2 state highway patrol cars and an ambulance.

I found Holly in the ambulance, sitting there talking to the trooper.

She was okay.

We called the OB while we were waiting for the tow truck, and they said it sounded like everything was okay. They said if anything seemed wrong we should come in immediately.

Thus began 24 hours of uncertainty. Thus began 24 hours of doubt. Thus began 24 hours of me wondering how I could let this happen.

I couldn’t get my own panic out of my head. I am completely confident that I’m supposed to be the protector for Holly and the baby, and here we were in a state where I didn’t know if the baby was okay.

As far as I knew, I had completely let my growing family down.

We went to the doctor the next day and she said, “we’ll listen for the baby’s heartbeat.” That was it, the moment of truth. Was Baby Connell still alive? Was (s)he okay?

A month ago, the doctor found the heartbeat in a couple of seconds. I was confident that we’d hear his (or her) little heart beating.

It felt like hours of agony as she searched and searched. My heart fell into the bottom of my stomach.

There was no heartbeat. And then she found it.

The last time, it was neat… but didn’t change my life (as I wrote about then).

This time, it was completely different. I let out a (very) audible sigh. S/he was okay. I wasn’t a total failure.

I realize, I probably overreacted. I may have been a little crazy. But I’m confident of this, I’ve never felt like that in my whole life. I’ve never been so glad to hear a sound as I was to hear that heartbeat.

They could tell me the baby was alright all they wanted, but until I heard it for myself, I didn’t have any idea.

So, last week, my life was turned upside down. I realize now, more than ever, that I’m in charge of protecting and caring for this family of mine. I can’t wait to hold this little baby in my arms, and I’ll never let anything happen to him (or her).

A hodge-podge of thoughts

I get caught in the idea that my blog posts need to be really heavy or really thought-provoking. I’m not completely sure that this one is going to be either of those things.

Someone gave us a crib. Can I be honest, I didn’t realize how big those things were! I guess… I just thought of how little babies are, and therefore their beds should be really small as well. But man, that crib is really big.

This is all becoming more real for me. I see just how much room the crib is going to take up in the room we have for the baby, and my mind is instantly in sermon mode. Just the baby’s bed takes up THIS much space!? This is literally the first thing we have (aside from some clothes and smaller things that people have gotten us) and it takes up this much room.

This gets me wondering, am I really ready for this?

I’ve spent the past 4 days playing a video game. I’ve literally had a lot of ME-time in those past four days. Am I really ready to give up all that time?

Honestly… I’d give up Skyrim right now if it meant that I could hold my baby right now.

I honestly can’t figure out how men find out they’re going to be fathers and somehow don’t feel this way. You know that a little child (your child!) is going to be relying on you and mom for everything. How can you know that and still choose to not give that baby everything you have?

The crib takes up that amount of space in my house, and therefore my life. I can only imagine how much space the baby is going to take up in my life.

…

We’re entering into the advent season, which is unquestionably my favorite time of year (followed by the start of baseball season). This year it’s taking on a whole new meaning for me, because advent is all about the expectation of the Christ-child, the God-man, the Savior, Emmanuel coming down to us. And this year, as I expect the coming of the baby Jesus, I also have the distinct honor of expecting Baby Connell too! I’ve never been more excited!

…

Last piece of news, Holly thought she felt the baby move last night. I told her it was probably just indigestion. Which, coincidentally is what the doctor said it would feel like the first time the baby moved. Either way, the excitement continues. Holly should now expect my hands to be on her belly more; I want to feel the baby move too!!! Or at the very least, feel this incredible indigestion!

Change my life?

October 31, 2011

It’s been a month since I last wrote about our journey. It hasn’t been an incredibly eventful month. We told our church and made the major public announcement about Holly’s pregnancy on the ninth, which was also our one year anniversary. We celebrated our year by doing ministry (Could there be a better way to celebrate?).

We took a week long vacation to the Gatlinburg area and ate more food than any person ever needs to eat in a single week. Also, mountain roads plus pregnant nausea are a poor mix.

But, the big news came today. We had our first appointment with our doctor and we got to hear the baby’s heartbeat!

We had been on pins and needles waiting to know if there was any chance we were having twins. Apparently, I’ve learned through this process that every woman we know is a self-proclaimed expert in what size a pregnant belly should be, and they all seemed to think Holly might be growing more than just one Baby Connell in her belly. But, we heard the heartbeat today, and alas it was only one heart, and therefore only one baby.

A few people told me that hearing the heartbeat would change my life forever, and that nothing would ever be the same. They told me I’d cry and that the emotions would be heavy.

If I’m being honest, I didn’t feel any of that. I’m not sure that sounds changed my life. I’m not sure that nothing will ever be the same. I didn’t cry, and for me the emotions weren’t that heavy.

You see, I already processed all these things a few weeks ago. I’ve been weighing heavily my expectations and thinking about what all this means. My life already changed. Everything was already different.

It sure was awesome to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I’m more excited about everything today than I was yesterday.

All I know, though, is that I can’t wait for the next 29 (or so) weeks to be over so that I can finally hold the baby!

I'm their provider!

I wrote this one on September 30. I'll have a new post this week. =)

September 30, 2011

It’s been a week since we told our parents. I suppose that some of the apprehension has begun to wane. It’s nice to be able to talk about this major life-event with people that we love. We’ve also been slowly telling our friends and family. The support we’ve received so far has been great. It’s so helpful for someone like me to know that there are people in this world who absolutely believe in me as a man and a father.

This has been an incredibly difficult week for me, though. Churches around the country are struggling to stay afloat in this incredibly perilous financial time. High Street has largely been doing well through all of this. In fact, they hired a new staff member, creating a new position, during this time. But the economic crunch is coming here too. It has me worried because I know my calling from God is to be a provider to my family (and that includes finances).

I’m sure it’s not completely uncommon, though, for a first-time-father to assume that he won’t be able to provide for his wife and child. I suppose I’m no different. My fears could very well be unfounded, but they certainly are my fears. It’s this fear of not being able that has crippled me all week.

My friend became a father for the first time a few years ago. He’s one of my best friends in the world, and my workout buddy. He told me that while his wife was pregnant, he had some of the “symptoms” of pregnancy. He mentioned specifically that he had weird appetite cravings, and she did not.

I’m beginning to think that maybe I got the pregnancy hormones and Holly didn’t. Wednesday was the tipping point for me of my bad week and at one point in the afternoon I just lost it emotionally. All of the apprehension and turmoil finally boiled over and I broke down completely. It was a little awkward for another pastor who came into my mother-in-law’s office and saw both of us crying.

But the release was good for me. I should take a second to note that my mother-in-law, while still being an in-law, has been awesome from Day One. From the moment Holly and I were engaged, Shanna has been very supportive of me, and incredibly helpful in creating what we believe to be a Biblical marriage and family. Her and Randy have been amazing, the best in-laws I could ask for.

That’s what’s been happening with me this week. Holly is experiencing all the wonderful nausea that being pregnant brings. About twice a day I send her a text and ask her how she’s doing. When she has a break she responds, it’s very rarely positive. The nausea is tough on her, and therefore it’s tough on me. But she perseveres with a room full of toddlers.

I’m also learning that everyone has pregnancy advice/opinions. Every time I tell someone that Holly is nauseous they offer their advice. For some women it was just a few months they had the sickness. For some it was the entire pregnancy (Yay, something to look forward to for the next 8 months!). For some, they didn’t experience it at all.

Alas, there is either some hope or no hope. We’re past the hope of her not getting it at all. I certainly do hope that the nausea is a symptom that will pass.
We’re excited to make this announcement public. We’ve told everyone here on staff at the church, and Holly’s told some people at her work. We’re going to announce it to the congregation on October 9, which is actually our one year anniversary.

Then a couple weeks after that, we’re heading back to Pigeon Forge for vacation. We were there for our honeymoon last year and we had a blast. This time, we’re going camping with Holly’s parents and grandmother. We’re super excited to get away for a few days and relax. It’ll be so nice to just spend some stress-free time away from the hustle and bustle of our normal lives. I fully intend on sleeping… a lot.

My prayer this week has been, “Lord, give me my daily bread.” I’m not asking for anymore than what I need today. And God certainly is faithful.

Opening Thoughts

I wrote this nearly a month ago. It was exactly what was going through my mind as we began this process:

September 21, 2011

It’s been a few days now, since Holly took her first pregnancy test. Today is Wednesday and is the first time since Sunday when I’ve felt “normal.” We’ve been at it for a few days now, trying to process this information and I feel like I’m finally able to not be completely overwhelmed with the knowledge that I have a very important job coming up.

As of today, we haven’t told anyone. We have a doctor’s appointment on Friday morning and we’re going to tell our parents on Friday evening at dinner. That was an adventure in itself, trying to convince them all to go to dinner without saying, “You’re going to want to be at this dinner.”

But the simple reality is this… I’m convinced that both nature and nurture are working against me in the fatherhood department. You see, my dad has been largely absent throughout my entire life. In fact, the only time I’ve seen him or even spoken to him in the past three years has been at my wedding; and to be completely honest, I was reluctant to invite him to that. To say that our relationship is tenuous would probably be a vast understatement. There really is no relationship. Even during the periods of my life when he wasn’t absent, the relationship was minimal, at best. We share no common interests, we share nothing at all in common, except for being red heads and genetically linked.

In all honesty, this is a travesty. It’s a travesty that represents my entire life and my entire outlook on being a husband and a father. But it’s deeper than that, his father’s relationship with him wasn’t any better. There was really nothing there. Although, I can only speak from the perspective of someone who has heard about their relationship from other people, because my father and I have never spoken about it (nor will we ever speak about it, I’m sure).

Surely there’s a genetic link here, right? It just feels like it’s DNA for Connell men to be bad fathers. But there’s a nurture element too, the simple fact is that I have no idea what it takes to be a father. I have no idea what it’s like to have/know/be “daddy.”

In fact, the mere mention of the word “daddy” stirs extremely negative images and connotations in my head. It’s almost a curse word.

This is what’s caused me to be on my face before God and say “I’m simply overwhelmed.”

Because, quite frankly, I have no idea what I’m doing.

I’ve wondered to myself over the past couple of days if God really knows what he’s doing. He’s entrusting something so precious to my care, and I’m just convinced that I’m not going to be any good at it. It’s as if I’ve been cursed with the bad-father gene.

So, I’m leaving it all to God. I refuse to believe that God has called me to something that I can’t be equipped for. I refuse to believe that God is going to abandon me in this adventure. I refuse to believe that God has anything but good for me.

So, I say to God, “Your will be done.”

I’m scared, I’m scarred, I’m apprehensive, I’m broken, I’m inadequate, and I’m terribly frightened to move ahead.

But I know that my God goes before me. I know that my God stands behind me. And I know that my God protects my sides. Yes, Yahweh is on my side, and because of that, I rejoice.