October 31, 2011
It’s been a month since I last wrote about our journey. It hasn’t been an incredibly eventful month. We told our church and made the major public announcement about Holly’s pregnancy on the ninth, which was also our one year anniversary. We celebrated our year by doing ministry (Could there be a better way to celebrate?).
We took a week long vacation to the Gatlinburg area and ate more food than any person ever needs to eat in a single week. Also, mountain roads plus pregnant nausea are a poor mix.
But, the big news came today. We had our first appointment with our doctor and we got to hear the baby’s heartbeat!
We had been on pins and needles waiting to know if there was any chance we were having twins. Apparently, I’ve learned through this process that every woman we know is a self-proclaimed expert in what size a pregnant belly should be, and they all seemed to think Holly might be growing more than just one Baby Connell in her belly. But, we heard the heartbeat today, and alas it was only one heart, and therefore only one baby.
A few people told me that hearing the heartbeat would change my life forever, and that nothing would ever be the same. They told me I’d cry and that the emotions would be heavy.
If I’m being honest, I didn’t feel any of that. I’m not sure that sounds changed my life. I’m not sure that nothing will ever be the same. I didn’t cry, and for me the emotions weren’t that heavy.
You see, I already processed all these things a few weeks ago. I’ve been weighing heavily my expectations and thinking about what all this means. My life already changed. Everything was already different.
It sure was awesome to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I’m more excited about everything today than I was yesterday.
All I know, though, is that I can’t wait for the next 29 (or so) weeks to be over so that I can finally hold the baby!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
I'm their provider!
I wrote this one on September 30. I'll have a new post this week. =)
September 30, 2011
It’s been a week since we told our parents. I suppose that some of the apprehension has begun to wane. It’s nice to be able to talk about this major life-event with people that we love. We’ve also been slowly telling our friends and family. The support we’ve received so far has been great. It’s so helpful for someone like me to know that there are people in this world who absolutely believe in me as a man and a father.
This has been an incredibly difficult week for me, though. Churches around the country are struggling to stay afloat in this incredibly perilous financial time. High Street has largely been doing well through all of this. In fact, they hired a new staff member, creating a new position, during this time. But the economic crunch is coming here too. It has me worried because I know my calling from God is to be a provider to my family (and that includes finances).
I’m sure it’s not completely uncommon, though, for a first-time-father to assume that he won’t be able to provide for his wife and child. I suppose I’m no different. My fears could very well be unfounded, but they certainly are my fears. It’s this fear of not being able that has crippled me all week.
My friend became a father for the first time a few years ago. He’s one of my best friends in the world, and my workout buddy. He told me that while his wife was pregnant, he had some of the “symptoms” of pregnancy. He mentioned specifically that he had weird appetite cravings, and she did not.
I’m beginning to think that maybe I got the pregnancy hormones and Holly didn’t. Wednesday was the tipping point for me of my bad week and at one point in the afternoon I just lost it emotionally. All of the apprehension and turmoil finally boiled over and I broke down completely. It was a little awkward for another pastor who came into my mother-in-law’s office and saw both of us crying.
But the release was good for me. I should take a second to note that my mother-in-law, while still being an in-law, has been awesome from Day One. From the moment Holly and I were engaged, Shanna has been very supportive of me, and incredibly helpful in creating what we believe to be a Biblical marriage and family. Her and Randy have been amazing, the best in-laws I could ask for.
That’s what’s been happening with me this week. Holly is experiencing all the wonderful nausea that being pregnant brings. About twice a day I send her a text and ask her how she’s doing. When she has a break she responds, it’s very rarely positive. The nausea is tough on her, and therefore it’s tough on me. But she perseveres with a room full of toddlers.
I’m also learning that everyone has pregnancy advice/opinions. Every time I tell someone that Holly is nauseous they offer their advice. For some women it was just a few months they had the sickness. For some it was the entire pregnancy (Yay, something to look forward to for the next 8 months!). For some, they didn’t experience it at all.
Alas, there is either some hope or no hope. We’re past the hope of her not getting it at all. I certainly do hope that the nausea is a symptom that will pass.
We’re excited to make this announcement public. We’ve told everyone here on staff at the church, and Holly’s told some people at her work. We’re going to announce it to the congregation on October 9, which is actually our one year anniversary.
Then a couple weeks after that, we’re heading back to Pigeon Forge for vacation. We were there for our honeymoon last year and we had a blast. This time, we’re going camping with Holly’s parents and grandmother. We’re super excited to get away for a few days and relax. It’ll be so nice to just spend some stress-free time away from the hustle and bustle of our normal lives. I fully intend on sleeping… a lot.
My prayer this week has been, “Lord, give me my daily bread.” I’m not asking for anymore than what I need today. And God certainly is faithful.
September 30, 2011
It’s been a week since we told our parents. I suppose that some of the apprehension has begun to wane. It’s nice to be able to talk about this major life-event with people that we love. We’ve also been slowly telling our friends and family. The support we’ve received so far has been great. It’s so helpful for someone like me to know that there are people in this world who absolutely believe in me as a man and a father.
This has been an incredibly difficult week for me, though. Churches around the country are struggling to stay afloat in this incredibly perilous financial time. High Street has largely been doing well through all of this. In fact, they hired a new staff member, creating a new position, during this time. But the economic crunch is coming here too. It has me worried because I know my calling from God is to be a provider to my family (and that includes finances).
I’m sure it’s not completely uncommon, though, for a first-time-father to assume that he won’t be able to provide for his wife and child. I suppose I’m no different. My fears could very well be unfounded, but they certainly are my fears. It’s this fear of not being able that has crippled me all week.
My friend became a father for the first time a few years ago. He’s one of my best friends in the world, and my workout buddy. He told me that while his wife was pregnant, he had some of the “symptoms” of pregnancy. He mentioned specifically that he had weird appetite cravings, and she did not.
I’m beginning to think that maybe I got the pregnancy hormones and Holly didn’t. Wednesday was the tipping point for me of my bad week and at one point in the afternoon I just lost it emotionally. All of the apprehension and turmoil finally boiled over and I broke down completely. It was a little awkward for another pastor who came into my mother-in-law’s office and saw both of us crying.
But the release was good for me. I should take a second to note that my mother-in-law, while still being an in-law, has been awesome from Day One. From the moment Holly and I were engaged, Shanna has been very supportive of me, and incredibly helpful in creating what we believe to be a Biblical marriage and family. Her and Randy have been amazing, the best in-laws I could ask for.
That’s what’s been happening with me this week. Holly is experiencing all the wonderful nausea that being pregnant brings. About twice a day I send her a text and ask her how she’s doing. When she has a break she responds, it’s very rarely positive. The nausea is tough on her, and therefore it’s tough on me. But she perseveres with a room full of toddlers.
I’m also learning that everyone has pregnancy advice/opinions. Every time I tell someone that Holly is nauseous they offer their advice. For some women it was just a few months they had the sickness. For some it was the entire pregnancy (Yay, something to look forward to for the next 8 months!). For some, they didn’t experience it at all.
Alas, there is either some hope or no hope. We’re past the hope of her not getting it at all. I certainly do hope that the nausea is a symptom that will pass.
We’re excited to make this announcement public. We’ve told everyone here on staff at the church, and Holly’s told some people at her work. We’re going to announce it to the congregation on October 9, which is actually our one year anniversary.
Then a couple weeks after that, we’re heading back to Pigeon Forge for vacation. We were there for our honeymoon last year and we had a blast. This time, we’re going camping with Holly’s parents and grandmother. We’re super excited to get away for a few days and relax. It’ll be so nice to just spend some stress-free time away from the hustle and bustle of our normal lives. I fully intend on sleeping… a lot.
My prayer this week has been, “Lord, give me my daily bread.” I’m not asking for anymore than what I need today. And God certainly is faithful.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Opening Thoughts
I wrote this nearly a month ago. It was exactly what was going through my mind as we began this process:
September 21, 2011
It’s been a few days now, since Holly took her first pregnancy test. Today is Wednesday and is the first time since Sunday when I’ve felt “normal.” We’ve been at it for a few days now, trying to process this information and I feel like I’m finally able to not be completely overwhelmed with the knowledge that I have a very important job coming up.
As of today, we haven’t told anyone. We have a doctor’s appointment on Friday morning and we’re going to tell our parents on Friday evening at dinner. That was an adventure in itself, trying to convince them all to go to dinner without saying, “You’re going to want to be at this dinner.”
But the simple reality is this… I’m convinced that both nature and nurture are working against me in the fatherhood department. You see, my dad has been largely absent throughout my entire life. In fact, the only time I’ve seen him or even spoken to him in the past three years has been at my wedding; and to be completely honest, I was reluctant to invite him to that. To say that our relationship is tenuous would probably be a vast understatement. There really is no relationship. Even during the periods of my life when he wasn’t absent, the relationship was minimal, at best. We share no common interests, we share nothing at all in common, except for being red heads and genetically linked.
In all honesty, this is a travesty. It’s a travesty that represents my entire life and my entire outlook on being a husband and a father. But it’s deeper than that, his father’s relationship with him wasn’t any better. There was really nothing there. Although, I can only speak from the perspective of someone who has heard about their relationship from other people, because my father and I have never spoken about it (nor will we ever speak about it, I’m sure).
Surely there’s a genetic link here, right? It just feels like it’s DNA for Connell men to be bad fathers. But there’s a nurture element too, the simple fact is that I have no idea what it takes to be a father. I have no idea what it’s like to have/know/be “daddy.”
In fact, the mere mention of the word “daddy” stirs extremely negative images and connotations in my head. It’s almost a curse word.
This is what’s caused me to be on my face before God and say “I’m simply overwhelmed.”
Because, quite frankly, I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’ve wondered to myself over the past couple of days if God really knows what he’s doing. He’s entrusting something so precious to my care, and I’m just convinced that I’m not going to be any good at it. It’s as if I’ve been cursed with the bad-father gene.
So, I’m leaving it all to God. I refuse to believe that God has called me to something that I can’t be equipped for. I refuse to believe that God is going to abandon me in this adventure. I refuse to believe that God has anything but good for me.
So, I say to God, “Your will be done.”
I’m scared, I’m scarred, I’m apprehensive, I’m broken, I’m inadequate, and I’m terribly frightened to move ahead.
But I know that my God goes before me. I know that my God stands behind me. And I know that my God protects my sides. Yes, Yahweh is on my side, and because of that, I rejoice.
September 21, 2011
It’s been a few days now, since Holly took her first pregnancy test. Today is Wednesday and is the first time since Sunday when I’ve felt “normal.” We’ve been at it for a few days now, trying to process this information and I feel like I’m finally able to not be completely overwhelmed with the knowledge that I have a very important job coming up.
As of today, we haven’t told anyone. We have a doctor’s appointment on Friday morning and we’re going to tell our parents on Friday evening at dinner. That was an adventure in itself, trying to convince them all to go to dinner without saying, “You’re going to want to be at this dinner.”
But the simple reality is this… I’m convinced that both nature and nurture are working against me in the fatherhood department. You see, my dad has been largely absent throughout my entire life. In fact, the only time I’ve seen him or even spoken to him in the past three years has been at my wedding; and to be completely honest, I was reluctant to invite him to that. To say that our relationship is tenuous would probably be a vast understatement. There really is no relationship. Even during the periods of my life when he wasn’t absent, the relationship was minimal, at best. We share no common interests, we share nothing at all in common, except for being red heads and genetically linked.
In all honesty, this is a travesty. It’s a travesty that represents my entire life and my entire outlook on being a husband and a father. But it’s deeper than that, his father’s relationship with him wasn’t any better. There was really nothing there. Although, I can only speak from the perspective of someone who has heard about their relationship from other people, because my father and I have never spoken about it (nor will we ever speak about it, I’m sure).
Surely there’s a genetic link here, right? It just feels like it’s DNA for Connell men to be bad fathers. But there’s a nurture element too, the simple fact is that I have no idea what it takes to be a father. I have no idea what it’s like to have/know/be “daddy.”
In fact, the mere mention of the word “daddy” stirs extremely negative images and connotations in my head. It’s almost a curse word.
This is what’s caused me to be on my face before God and say “I’m simply overwhelmed.”
Because, quite frankly, I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’ve wondered to myself over the past couple of days if God really knows what he’s doing. He’s entrusting something so precious to my care, and I’m just convinced that I’m not going to be any good at it. It’s as if I’ve been cursed with the bad-father gene.
So, I’m leaving it all to God. I refuse to believe that God has called me to something that I can’t be equipped for. I refuse to believe that God is going to abandon me in this adventure. I refuse to believe that God has anything but good for me.
So, I say to God, “Your will be done.”
I’m scared, I’m scarred, I’m apprehensive, I’m broken, I’m inadequate, and I’m terribly frightened to move ahead.
But I know that my God goes before me. I know that my God stands behind me. And I know that my God protects my sides. Yes, Yahweh is on my side, and because of that, I rejoice.
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